How Do You Know Youre in the Right Relationship

Alexandra Redcay

Full text of Select The Right Relationship by Alexandra Redcay at TEDxUpperEastSide conference.

Listen to the MP3 Audio here: MP3 – Select the correct relationship by Alexandra Redcay at TEDxUpperEastSide

TRANSCRIPT:

I desire everybody to close their eyes. I want you lot to imagine being in love. Maybe you have been in love, maybe yous promise to be in dearest.

What was that like? Your heart starts racing, your stomach gets all weird. You call up your all-time friend and say, "Oh, my gosh, I think I just met the dearest of my life!" Right? In iii weeks. We figured that out so quick. We make these very quick decisions. All of our emotion comes rushing so chop-chop.

Simply then, what happens down the road? We realize, "What were we thinking?" Right?

l% of marriages fail. Why? Two of my very skillful friends called me within a week of each other and told me that their marriage of over 10 years had failed. Now even though everyone else around them knew that they weren't really making a skilful conclusion at the time. You know, my all-time friend – her mother and I knew over 10 years agone that the guy that she picked was kind of controlling; he was dismissive towards women, and he really wanted a woman that would stay home, cook, make clean, and have their child. And my friend was not at all interested in that, she was singing jazz in New York City. She was very happy to have that life, simply that's not what he was interested in.

But somewhere along the way, she brutal in dearest with him, and so she sacrificed for the family, she sacrificed for what she thought was the correct determination. And 10 years downwardly the road, she realized she didn't recognize herself, and so she decided to leave.

A woman asked me the other day – she was complaining, at 40, saying that there was no good human being left. And she said that the only men that are out there are the Peter Pan guys. The men who, equally she described, don't want to grow upward, that they don't want to have kids, they don't want to get married, they don't want to settle downwards. And she spent all her time and energy trying to 'un-Peter-Pan' them.

And she asked me, what do I think, and why does this come well-nigh, and why tin't she find anybody, and why can't she prepare this state of affairs.

And so I said to her: "How honest do you lot want me to be?"

And she said, "Oh, yes, very honest. I'm really serious. I desire to set up this problem. How exercise I exercise this?"

And I said: "Well, I think you're investing all your energy in people that are really happy. They're totally fine. Why should they go married, accept kids, and settle down? They don't want to, you do."

So, the issue is your focus, the issue is your perspective. How are nosotros selecting partners? And why are we trying to forcefulness them to alter? Or, why are nosotros ignoring who they are, or the cherry-red flags that are right in front end of our confront? I accept women all the time complaining – in their 30s, 40s, and 50s that they can't find the human of their dreams or woman of their dreams.

I take men complaining that they feel that they're being overlooked because they are the good guy, they're the nice guy, they're the friend, and what they find is that people are dating the unavailable person, the player, the pathological liar, the person who'southward already married. Then, we make all these decisions in our relationships, and we cease up two, three years down the road, x years down the road, in despair. We struggle to try to observe the human relationship that we desire, whether that leads to matrimony or but to long term commitment.

Why practise we repeat this cycle over and over and over again? And the woman that asked me earlier – that I had talked about, that asked my communication about why this happens – and she says: "Oh, no! I don't date the Peter Pan guys. I but see them out there. Well, except the last ii relationships, I did date the Peter Pan guy."

"Oh, okay, then you do date them. So why exercise you choose them?"

She couldn't really explain information technology. And then she but kept coming back and saying: "No, no, I don't really date them."

"Okay, except the last two."

And then, she became really defensive in this chat and was denying the truth that everyone else around her could see – the people that loved her the most, her friends, her family.

And so I asked myself: on the path of dearest, what happens? What do nosotros do? Information technology starts off beautiful, wonderful, perfect. You lot're totally in love with this person in a very short catamenia of fourth dimension. And so, we see a red flag, but we ignore it because we say: "No, no. It must be us. Nosotros're crazy. We're too picky."

But the trouble is that our friends and family see it too. And they are concerned. They may or may non say annihilation. And then, what'southward our response? Nosotros attack them. "Well, you will never be happy if I am happy." "I finally institute someone I love and you tin't accept it." "Well, you just don't know him. He is different when nosotros are alone."

We tell ourselves this all the time.

Then there is a combination of crimson flags. And we tell ourselves, "Well, all relationships take work," which is true, only we tell ourselves this in a misguided way, so our friends and family unit limited their concern. And what exercise we exercise? We set on them. We're defensive. And and so nosotros begin to isolate from them. They try to intervene, and they say: "Look, I am really concerned about this person that you're dating. And I want you to call back about that. I desire you to endeavor and selection someone else or merely end it."

And we may even admit to ourselves: "Yeah, I probably should finish it. I know this person isn't good for me."

But nosotros don't. And so then what happens is – because family or friends, or anyone in our life, colleagues, co-workers, considering they conflict with us, and they say, "Wait, there is a problem here," nosotros feel embarrassed, we feel ashamed. Then, what do we exercise? We separate from them. And so nosotros don't go to the friends' house anymore because they're always complaining.

So the family gets aroused, and then they dissever from you; they stop trying. And somewhen, we realize that nosotros were wrong and they were correct. And nosotros hate information technology. Information technology drives us basics. And then we despair, and and then we say, "Are we always going to detect anybody?" And we could have saved so much time and energy and despair if we would but listen to the people that are effectually us and non to be so defensive.

And then why exercise we repeat this bicycle? Why practise we echo this? Because we do it all the time.

Our brain – I think the same office of our brain that controls addiction, controls our feelings of love, considering our feelings of honey, that intense connexion that we feel with someone, which is totally irrational — we don't really know them, we don't really have all those things in common just nosotros want to believe that nosotros practice. Information technology's merely like being addicted to drugs or alcohol. It's an addiction, information technology is. And for whatever reason, we're not wise enough to figure it out. We're not wise enough because our emotion and our perception, our feelings of this love controls our brain, our mind, our prefrontal cortex which is at the front of your brain. And the prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain that's rational, it makes rational decision making. And information technology tells the other parts of the brain, "Knock it off." When you want to punch somebody and then y'all realize, "Nope, that'due south my boss, I tin can't do that," That'due south the prefrontal cortex telling yous, "Knock it off."

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